A Recovering Narcissist getting to know hersELF

The umbrella of astrological wisdom knew my destiny for this time before I did. Sputtering and hesitating to know or own anything I've written, acquired in gnosis or created, I struggled with an identity void. I will supply an entry from Cal Garrison to explain this time in detail before proceeding.

"the significance of the cosmic portal that opens during the month of July, is way more important in the long run than any of the short term transits that take place within that window of time. As we traverse the rest of the month, everyone on the planet will be impacted by the rays emanating from the Fixed Star, Sirius, and the relationship between IT, and our Sun.

For the ancients, what is otherwise known as the Heliacal Rising of Sirius marked a period of time when Sirius rose, at dawn, ahead of the Sun. This was an annual thing that according to Egyptian traditions marked the beginning of the New Year – but its significance has always gone much deeper than that.

Whether we are aware of it or not, the month of July opens the space for Mother Earth and Father Sky to come together in an embrace that generates enough heat to re-birth everything in Creation. The next few weeks will be filled with the force that comes to life whenever the Sun, and Sirius, otherwise known as "Our Spiritual Sun" meet at dawn, somewhere on the planet, every year between the last week of June, and the 12th of August. The founding fathers of the United States were so tuned in to both astrology, and to the occult, and so conscious of the fact that they were "birthing" a new nation, that the signing of the Declaration of Independence was actually timed to coincide with the Heliacal Rising of Sirius in Philadelphia PA, on July 4th, 1776." - Cal Garrison

I'M NOW PROCEEDING . . .

Chaos and confusion continue to arise unexpectedly amid the peace and order of The New Eden I have created and maintained over the last year and a half. I watched a video documentary on Narcissists and it explained the confusion caused by a few of my "oppressors". Then, I realized I was also a recovered Narcissist. I haven't been behaving that much like one lately, but for 35 years, I was textbook.

In the documentary, it is stated that there are 9 layers of Narcissism, but that people have varying "degrees" of the trait. Narcissism in this piece is synonymous with Ego Out of Control. Although I hadn't identified myself with Narcissism before, I was well aware that my ego was thrashed, bashed and sent packing by a series of circumstantial purifications.

Although the ego can create some powerfully efficient solutions, the ego can never bring you peace. The peace I had cultivated was ruined by the feelings of remorse, shame and irritation this knowledge brought to mind or brought BACK to mind. I realized in a profound way how I had caused pain to those who I perceived as "an obstacle" or "resource" over time.

This transformation has been underway for the last year now, and this realization is the flower of the healing and the champagne for the next voyage of wonder I will embark on after tidying this up.

Before the total annihilation of my ego, I involved myself with a couple of first rate male narcissists so I could play the role of the person effected by more narcissism than I could wield. In this role, I served, praised, uplifted and endured their "build up and tear down" style of love. It was an advanced mystery school of patience, desperation, limitation and yet I learned from and benefited from them as hosts also. I once wrote that even the most destructive, non-beneficial weeds will send out a delicate and beautiful flower to attract others to supply them with what they need and perpetuate their existence. This flower then dries up and leaves the pollinators with a thorny, dominating mess to clean up.

SUMMARY . . .

I will pray and go into reverent introspective hermit mode to forgive myself for the harm I've done, and to promptly snuff out any further attempts of my own sneaky ego to grow inside me. Maintaining a nebulous identity for now will help.

I will refer to mysELF from now on in my writings as E.L.F. (Evelyn Leona Featherstone) Grounded in Midwestern Mysticism, I will bring into this dimension creative ways to understand, change, and wonder about what it means to BE. Why ON EARTH wouldn't I???
E.L.F. is to symbolize getting to know your Earthly self (sELF) This was gnosis from an Elven spin on the creative matrix.

Thank you for reading this,
Eve Featherstone
E.L.F.